Your best is worth your worst

Idiocy

Dears,
you have every right to reject me, i never blame anyone for hating me, i do realize and understand that my stupidity is beyond your tolerance, i do admit i am naive next to your generations of experience.. and i do know that what is different is hated and rejected!!

Dear Pretentious People,
I have tried to try it my way, and i have to say i failed, not once, not twice, a lot more.

Dear Society,
you know your people better, you tried to tell me how to deal with them, you explicitly told me to "play games" around, you showed me the right path, gave me every sign, but i was stubborn enuf to rebel, i just wanted to be honest, i simply wanted to be who i am, i hated wearing masks, i hated wearing fake smiles... well, my way, has miserably failed with your nation..

Dear Self,
I'm sorry i made the same mistake again, i loved others more than i loved you

Dear Heart,
Get numb or die trying!

Dear Life,
My bad!

I don't usually feel like writing when I'm at my best mood

The perpetual battle

The eternal battle, the heart vs. the mind.
and since i'm not a "blame it on others" person, i tend to only blame myself (the heart-mind battle) for whatever pain i get myself into.
because i believe that no one can hurt you without your explicit conscious permission.
the thing is that as a result, a behavior adjustment has to be done, unconsciously though, the adjustment tend to become solitude, a subconscious belief is aroused that introversion keeps others from hurting you.

Now regardless of this choice being a wise one or not, it's a subconscious reaction that is totally beyond my awareness, and yet part of who i am.
it has saved me tremendous frustrations throughout the years i have to say, but the question is, am i really comfortable this way? and is the joy outcome of trust worth the risk of getting hurt? I don't know...

Because, in a moment of happiness, you forget all sadness, and in a moment of sorrow, you forget all joy.. and i don't bear to handle the pain, my pain threshold (physically and psychologically) is really low and i would prefer the indifference attitude over the risk.

I'll lend you a child

You're born, raised and then torn down,
to look a little more like, everyone you meet,
And everyday that goes by,
you look a little less like who you used to be.

I don't mind the people staring,
'cause I know they never see me anyway,
In these days, all the worlds the stage,
and everyone just wants to be the star.

This is all too heavy,
If you believe in your self,
But no one can hurt you with out your consent,
And I am not giving in.
I'm not giving in
and I'm not giving in

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine
For you to love - while she lives

And mourn for when she's dead.
And from the throngs that crowd
Life's lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give her all your love,
Nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to
Take her back again?"

Freedom

To experience the feeling of pure happiness without the associating fear of losing it, is freedom.. and I am free :)

This associating fear vanishes as a result of realizing that your happiness does not necessarily rely on your current happiness sources, in fact it lingers within yourself, regardless if your life situation remains the same or changes.. regardless if you lose what you have or you don't, no matter what you go through..

living without fear, is the ultimate liberation.. and I am happily free :)

‎"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

in pain

Broken and in pain, I walk under the rain. Totally in vain, my shields are back again..

Let me tell you something you already know.. Remind you

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son, you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life.
I stopped thinking the way other people think a long time ago, you gotta think like you think."

From Rocky Balboa by Sylvester Stallone.

too tired

too tired to focus.. too tired to sleep
just throw my heart away.. i'm too tired to weep