Disappointments

Doesn't it hurt to so much want to give others, but you find that you're stopping yourself because you've been disappointed a lot, and you learned and concluded that giving too much is tiring..
Doesn't it hurt to suppress the desire for giving?

 Doesn't it hurt, when you think bigger than yourself, achieve bigger and do great things to those in need, be stubborn enough to not allow anything, anyone or any circumstance no matter how insurmountable that is, from stopping you from doing what you wanna do for others, and then when you need them they don't even meet your lowest expectations..
Doesn't it hurt to be continuously disappointed?

 Doesn't it hurt to keep lowering expectations down, so down to the point where you don't have any, to avoid disappointments, and you destroy any belief in promises because they simply raise expectations..
Doesn't it hurt to lose faith in everyone?

Out of self to self

This indifference and neutrality within is killing me... and i need to survive!

and the only thing i feel for, ironically enough is what i can't reach..
ironically more is it's barely enough
 and i'm scared ! and i'm terrified !!

that no mountain will suffice ..
and no mountain did..

 I hope you don't understand ....

Life Bug

Guilt

I've done something that is against my standards! I currently hate myself for that.. I was selfish enough to ignore what I knew too well..
That's probably not the worst thing that can happen, I can live with that temporary feeling of self spite, but the guilt is itching!! i'm sure it will soon fade away :)

Life

This: is life

and this: is the only thing it can offer

Career Path Crisis

It's that time of the career path where things change and you don't do what you love doing anymore... after certain years of experience you become a "senior" and you're expected to manage projects rather than executing them...
You manage the team, the people you envy for doing what you love, while you're swamped in writing proposals, attending presales meetings, maintaining project plans, burn charts, check-points, deadlines, client communication, emails urgent boring stuff yeffff someone get me out of here !!!!

This happens when you work in small to medsized or startup companies, it's good as a start so you won't be too specific or specialized in one thing.. . i mean, if you work in small places, you get the chance to fulfill multiple roles: UI designer, user-experience designer, OOP designer, coder and QA... so it's kinda comprehensive experience, but it reaches a point where you get all the "needed" knowledge and experience to start managing a team.. and this is exactly when the "doing-what-you-love" phase starts collapsing...

In order to keep yourself in the operations level, you have 3 options
1. You either join a really well established and big company which would appreciate your years of experience rather than overqualifying them.. you would then become specialized in one too-specific area, which is not a disadvantage anymore at this point of your career-path, since you have already gained the comprehensive knowledge.
2. Compromise your salary and insist to stay as a Software Engineer or whatever your specialty is, in the same place you work at or a similar one.
3. OR swamp yourself with extra part-time and freelance projects to quench your passion to do what you enjoy doing..

The first option in not available in Jordan and getting it outside is harder than I thought it would be, the second will simply guarantee you a low-salary forever.. I'd go for the third and be whining about it once in while.. 14~20 daily working hours... Get me out of Jordan!

24 hours are Never enough for one day!!!

Memory Leaks

Is there a way, any way, to fix memory leaks in a human system?
I've been suffering with my weak bad memory since forever and it's driving me crazy lately, I forget things, events, people, appointments, my phone.. whatever might come to anyone's mind! I even forget to eat sometimes..
I forget important things that shouldn't be forgotten, sometimes things that I really long for, I would passionately wait for a certain day to come, and when it comes I totally forget all about it!
I would commit to an extremely important appointment, forget my phone at my car and totally forget about it!! It's like i'm having Alzheimer.
I know some would suggest using reminders, but if I already forget my "reminder-device" then it's not gonna work, I tried switching my watch to the other hand to remember important things, it worked for a while then I started forgetting to switch it.. I'm tired of forgetting !!

The well ran dry and I'm stuck in the middle

I have always believed that anybody can succeed in achieving their dreams if they put their mind to it and be determined to accomplish it. No obstacle, no matter how insurmountable, can stop you from reaching your goal.

Now I doubt this is true! there are sometimes when you collide with the sky you were not aware of its existance, the sky that forms the ultimate limit of all the things you can do, then you do all what it takes as a failed attempt to make it vanish, you go beyond your best, you still strive and dream, plan and act, and things just simply won't work, your dream begins to evanesce and your will to revive it gets stronger and surrender is not in your options list, if I could surrender I definitly would.. But it's simply my heaven and paradise, everything I ever dreamed of and everything I ever wanted..

I'm stuck in the middle!
.
.
Fragile
.
..
Numb
.
..
Paralysed
.
.
.

Wasted !!

Ten full days of my precious life are wasted annually!!!
Fuck this, I'm not doing this anymore! I shall take a decent vacation n go rock some nice place rather than this piece of shit!