Diary - Sun 12 May early morning

Boarding flight soon from Yerevan to Amman via Doha, then straight to work (without laptop since i left it home before traveling) for the big full day meeting about the personality test they made us do.

Since i left Thomas Lang back at the hostel, somehow i felt sad, this vacation with him has been intense, spending LOTS of daily time together, sometimes just chilling and reading, and sometimes conversing about history, nationalism, feminism, vegan use of nonvegan terms such as cheese and meat, business, family ... all sorts of things.

We spent the first 2 nights in Yerevan, i arrived morning after an overnight train ride, and he arrived cycling, we spent the first day stalling around the city, i got some time before he arrived to do my hair and nails, we of course did our business when we first met in the hotel, then went off for lunch, he wanted to go to a bakery which we did but they didn't understood what vegan meant, after he had a couple of pastries, we headed walking to a vegan-friendly restaurant but on the way we found an Indian restaurant that actually felt more like money laundry business 😂

Later on we continued our walk and had some wine ... TBC

Ups & downs

And suddenly once again, i feel peace!
Suddenly, I feel happy for him.
Strangely, remembering his loving comments to her made me smile and see the loving heart in his soul once again.

Suddenly once again, I feel gratitude for what we had and accept that it wasn't meant to grow.

Just internal peace and inner happiness within.
Love you and wish you the best.

lost the last connection

After the most recent revelation of knowing he moved on with a new gf since december, as if all my reality collapsed around me fallen apart on me.
I realized now that the binge traveling i had was a subconscious attempt to be around his essense, a connection we once had.
Suddenly, many feelings changed about my upcoming booked trips, now i understand all those nonstop trips, my heart was somehow unknowingly still looking for him.
My mind knew he wasn't there but my heart felt he was, and my heart was apparently wrong, he was, and still is, with her.
I thought I already lost hope, but now i know i just did, only now.
It still hurts and it still aches, i thought i moved on, i thought he was out of my heart, looks like he's still there and still messing me up inside turning all of me upside down.
Turning the page now in better hope of a future without him in my thoughts and heart.

Endless Nightmare

You made my worst dreams come true!
I used to have such nightmares and wake up in the middle of the night with a broken heart to find myself in reality in your arms.
You used to tell me such things would never happen, you used to assure me it's only a bad dream and you will always protect my heart.

You used to tell me you love me as you love life itself.
I loved you as i loved life itself, i was true when i said that, now i hate life.

Enough already

Stop the nonsense and come back home.
Enough already!
I'm almost dead, taking my last breaths.. enough.

10 pm

It's 10 pm, I'm already drunk, about to go home with a colleague who's been always interested physically.
All i can think of is him, yet i know it's over long ago, i lost all senses, i have no feelings with others anymore, i have no feelings for him either when he's around, i only miss the good great amazing times we shared together once upon a time. Thhe great old him.

I told him "you made me hate veganism" he got defensive.  In my mind now I'm thinking, of course he did, who else did? My grandmother?
He blamed the failure of our love on veganism, he blamed veganism over and over again, it's like all the pain i ever had was bcz of it!

I love being vegan, but i hate that he blamed everything on it.

4th guy to go to bed to, and he's still not there, i lost the power to live, i lost the will to live, there hasn't been a single moment since the damn day where i haven't wished to die, i still wish it everyday.

Fuck him.

Giving up

Few more tears and I'm done

Why I love him

Why i love this man:

He's a curious explorer with an insatiable desire to wander the world aimlessly and breath life within at a pace that suits his precious heart beats.
He's the smarter of us and the calmer, and most of the times wiser, he brings with perfect sweetness peace to my heart and knows how to reach to the deapest of my core and cuddle me with his flow of love that leaves me surrendering to him.
He lives in the world with peace and as he values his life, he does the same to others, he respects life and earth and the inhabitats, and he does it all gracefully.
With him I've been inspired endlessly and my life took great turns and my thinking shifted in interesting ways that without him, I wouldn't be the same.
Conversations with him are always filled with exciting discussions and higher lever analysis and deeper thoughts than the average, he fills me with the desire to hear more and know more.
His charming sense of humor and the laughs he brings to my life are at the essence of my joy and happiness, he makes me happier everyday.

I love this man because it's the only thing I can do around him, he leaves me no choices.

Visit Me

Come visit me in my dreams
I'll love you everyday
make love to you each night
in heaven we'll stay
no struggles no conflicts
just only pure joy
peacefully yours
i'll love you everyday

Constantly Evolving

I stumbled upon my blog again today, and started reading some of my previous posts.
Couldn't go through all of them at once, 243 posts aren't easy to go through in one session.

It fascinated me how much I evolved and changed since the date of some posts. Some of them are so negative and gloomy, I know that I usually reach out to my blog when I'm sad, angry, frustrated or just need to let out something, rarely when I'm positive, but I still think I evolved and changed a lot since then.

Now I have an opposite positive outlook to life, I love life, I love people, I have lots of hope and my Utopian used-to-be-dream now seem achievable.

Few observations and most of the posts are 6-7 years old:
- I was negative in life, now I'm living it positively and happily, appreciating every moment of it.
- Pain (physical and emotional) plays a huge role in shaping my identity, my thoughts, beliefs and ideology.
- I'm extremely sensitive to pain.
- My capacity to love, my passion, my giving, ability to forgive, all fearlessly, is overwhelming. 

Like Nothing

He left like i'm nothing, like i don't exist, or in best cases, like i'm just an object, a neglected piece of furniture...
I don't exist.
He just promised a couple of days ago he won't do this.

This phase of my life...

...is calles "slow motion"

Tonight, among all nights, I miss you.

Dangerously highly addictive

I like you, i wanna love you, and i wanna hate you at the same time for the bad timing, you're dangerously highly addictive, i wanna cry, and i wanna laugh with you.. you're amazing!

Sleep paralysis

I just had my 2nd sleep paralysis last night, i had the first one around a couple of months ago, but it was like a drop in the ocean compared to last night..

The problem with sleep paralysis is that you can never tell what's real and what's not, i woke up so many times just to find out i was still "dreaming"..

It was terrifying, and it was real.. i ended up waking up at 2 am and scared to go back to sleep.. i hope it won't happen again!

Some people strive to achieve lucid dreaming or sleep paralysis, but i say run away as far as you can!

Camping packing checklist

Tissues
Wet wipes
Deodorant
Facial cleanser
Cotton pads
Facial creams
Makeup
Soap
Shampoo
disposable tooth brush
Hair cream
Hair kit, hat
Hair scarf for sun/bandana
Shades
Nail protection, nail oil
Lip balm
Sunscreen
Nail kit
Fan

Tent
Blanket
Inflatable pillow or nick pillow
Air mattress/airbed
(Optional) Hammer for setting up the tents
Microwave bags, Tupper wear for water protection, water proof bag
Headlights
Rope
Sleeping bag
Camping Chair
Portable Speakers
Camera
Extra batteries for the head light
Passport - if traveling
Pen, small notebook
Credit Card, money, id, health insurance card
Portable charger, car charger, charging cable

Towel
Face towel
Shoes
Slippers
Socks
Extra clothes
Swimming suits
Goggles
Snorkeling kit - if snorkeling
Foot splints - for night relief
Sheets or ground cloth - to be put under the airbed

Cigarettes & Lighter
Snacks and Juices
Corn & Mushrooms for BBQ, lettuce for bread replacement (for gluten-intolerant ppl like me)

Cutlery
Aluminum dish for hot bbq
Vitamins

For women - feminine care (pads, wet wipes, tampons..)

still stuck

my heart aches when I think about you and my whole body grieves.
The tragedy however, is that I'm thinking of you often!

not that i want us to be back or anything, I'm sure about the rational decision, but I'm angry on the destiny that put us together and then apart again..

Love in absence

I want your angel

I want the greatest man who made the best woman out of me.
but not the worst man who provoked the worst woman out of me.
I want your angel, your innocence, your love.. i miss you!

Collapsing

Collapsing hopes, falling castles, wasted dreams..