“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths!” Lois Wyse

At The Cemetery

It's late night already, but even the night darkness wont leave her alone..
She misses him too much, it's been a long while since he's gone and the more she waits to die the more she wants him back to life

She asks me to take her to the cemetery as an attempt to be around him, she kisses his soil and sleeps over his grave, wets it with her grieving tears.
Not the empty darkness nor the barking dogs would scare her away
She feels home now, she is home, for this is where she belongs, the only thing missing there is her death, she prays and pleads for it over and over again asking God to take her soul out, but nothing happens, her prayers were never answered anyway.

And she keeps on waiting, if only he were there, if only he knew what's happening, if only..
We go back and she thanks me, as if she needed to..
I would give my own soul to her if I had to, but I know she's already overloaded with hers.

Unanswered Questions

Could someone, anyone remind me why we're here? cz it seems i forgot!
i mean, why are we having this obligatory test against our well? what if i don't wanna have this life, duwanna have this test?? why do i have to go through this?
isn't forcing someone to this life is injustice? and God is just.
it's not that i don't have faith, bcz i do, i feel it and i can feel God as well, but i also have questions..
an atheist friend once told me that ppl tend to find religion a relieving answer to life, well, i don't!
i find it more relieving if i were like my cat, live once and die. and that's it.. full stop!
all of those unanswered prayers trigger a lot of issues in question
and what scares me the most, is that i -personally- can explain almost anything in a religious view, nothing that can happen can contradict with religion..
i mean if there's something, anything that can happen and contradict with religion but it just doesn't happen, wud be more logical.. but there's ALWAYS an answer for ANYTHING that happened/happening or will happen..
I'm lost!

[Update]: I remember the answer I previously forgot, the explanation to the unexplainable, the excuse for all the un-understandable, that is, our minds are limited, and they are physical entities bound by the physical dimension rules, sciences and behaviours, they are incapable of understanding nor analyzing other dimensions, we still can't really fully-understand what is God, otherwise, we would be Gods, but we're not, we're inferiors, I gotta accept that and move on!

يا ربّ

يا فارج الهمّ

ويا كاشف الغمّ 

فرّج همي ويسّر أمري 

وارحم ضعفي وقلة حيلتي 

"When she stopped conforming to the conventional picture of femininity she finally began to enjoy being a woman." Betty Friedan

Sweet Dreams Rush

Sweet dreams are rushing, lifting me high above up to the sky of joy, again.
If reality isn't meeting my intense wants, dreams are. A completely brand new episode each night, some are fresh and discrete, some are contiguous, but all refer to the same goal, same matter, they all climb the same mountain over and over again.
The power of dreams are underestimated, everything looks and feels so real in them, every feeling and every heart beat, each look and gesture, they all just feel so real.. what's the difference between dreams and reality anyways? aren't they both happening? whether in your mind or in.. hmmm.. your mind!
Don't they both leave the same effect? whether it's joy, thrill or disappointment? don't you smile when you remember a sweet dream or a sweet memory? they all are the same..
I love the smile you draw behind when I wake up.. I love you my dreams land..

[Music] If A Song Could Get Me You

If a song could get me through
I'd sing my way right back to you
Tell me how to make it right
Tell me now, I'll start tonight

So here it is, here it goes
I could try it rock'n'roll
Change-your-life-forever-tune
If a song could get me you
I could make it high or low
Sing it on the radio
If that is what I need to do
If a song could get me you

Stupidity

Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
This part of my life, is called "Being Stupid" !

Brilliant Conclusions

"Winners Never Quit and Quitters Never Win" - Vince Lombardi

Conclusion by a friend: "Therefore winners should never quit smoking!"

Little Things Done, Bigger Things Achieved

In some situations, little things may in fact mean and achieve big things, or leave a significant effect.

Two days ago, I was fasting and I happened to be late at the gym and got out when it was time for Iftar, I spotted a water bottle in the guard's sentry box right next to the parking gateway, I asked the guard (who was already having his Iftar meal) to provide me with some water from the bottle, to my surprise, the man gave me his cold-water cup, and insisted to give me his glass of juice as well.. He sticked into my thoughts long enough to make me tell 2 friends about what he did, pray for him the whole night and blog about him, that really meant a lot to me. God bless him.

This morning, I was heading to the client-site, and I needed some directions so I asked the old man who was trying to sell newspaper, and he quickly gave me clear, correct and precise directions that even my co-worker who was already at the place couldn't provide, this old man has drawn an admiring smile on my face, deserved 3 minutes of my thinking time before I got distracted by other thoughts, and consumed 5 minuted in writing this paragraph about him. God bless him.

~destructors();

Destructors: In native programming, destructors are the part of a program that clean up the left-up/unused data from the computer memory.
Garbage: Is the left up data that remains after executing an operation
GC: Garbage Collector, a substitute for destructors in managed languages, they automatically do the same job in a bit different manner

Back to reality, destructors are pretty much the same as their cyber context. I'll set up some example scenarios:

Scenario 1
You remember you once had this delicious fabulous fruit when you were a kid that you don't realy remember its name, this memory sticks up into your mind for years, then you happen to see the very same fruit again, but it doesn't taste as good, in fact it doesn't taste good at all.
Memory destructed..


Scenario 2
You remember your favorite childhood teacher, her image is so pretty in ur head, you happen to see her once after the so many years and she's as ugly as death and as typical as a coin.
Memory destructed..


Scenario 3
You once had this beautiful sweet love that lasted for years with that very picky lover that only sees beauty in you, and you got out of that era with a bag full of sweet lovely memories, years pass by and you somehow spot ur ex in the middle of an orgy let's say. You may then cynically laugh
Memories destructed...
..
and so on

Here's the thing, we tend to exaggerate and overrate the value of those left up data in our memory -the garbage-, we love to keep up our memories, although usually there's no real value for this, the events that formed them had already contributed their share in forming who you are as well, and sometimes reminiscing them would only cause hurt and depression.
I used to admire this song long ago, but sometimes when you see the truth and know that what matters isn't or was never really there and what you always thought to be true is actually another pack of garbage in your head then you learn, to never really appreciate memories.



The moral of the whole thing is to use destructors right on time - which is exactly after any event occurs and leaves memories behind, delete all the left up garbage.. stay clean :)

Limited Options

When you reach the highest peak
everything else become boring
you either find a higher one -if there is-
or lose every interest in your life...
...

The Protocol Rebel

They said it was a violation to the protocol
they told me it was too early
I say I'm glad it happened this way

The well ran dry and I'm stuck in the middle

I have always believed that anybody can succeed in achieving their dreams if they put their mind to it and be determined to accomplish it. No obstacle, no matter how insurmountable, can stop you from reaching your goal.

Now I doubt this is true! there are sometimes when you collide with the sky you were not aware of its existance, the sky that forms the ultimate limit of all the things you can do, then you do all what it takes as a failed attempt to make it vanish, you go beyond your best, you still strive and dream, plan and act, and things just simply won't work, your dream begins to evanesce and your will to revive it gets stronger and surrender is not in your options list, if I could surrender I definitly would.. But it's simply my heaven and paradise, everything I ever dreamed of and everything I ever wanted..

I'm stuck in the middle!
.
.
Fragile
.
..
Numb
.
..
Paralysed
.
.
.

Things you won't see often 2

*All rights reserved*

The Availability Theory

It applies to almost everything, and it's as simple as that: The unavailable is wanted, and the available is neglected till it's gone..
Look for this in every aspect of your life, you'll find it everywhere!

A Chance

Strategies are set, possible scenarios are considered, odds are precalculated and I'm ready.. Im so ready
All I need is a chance, just a fair chance..

WCG Update, StarCraft 2

Previously: WCG 2010 - Jordan National Finals

Okay, so I won a single match in StarCraft in 8 minutes.. that was my first match, and I lost against the guy who made it to the finals and won! which is also great :D

That was real fun and exciting. I enjoyed every minute of it

Moreover, playing SC2 has amazed me big time

Can't wait till next WCG with SC2

Highest Mountain Peak Curse

I once believed that when you lose everything and have nothing left to lose you will realize the meaning of your life, and when you get everything you will forget the meaning of your life.. the more things you lose the more realizations you get and vice versa.

Now I see it this way, if you ever reach to all what you have ever dreamed of, all of what you ever wanted, then out of a sudden you lose it all, as a result you will also lose every interest in all other things, because they are incomparable to what you had, because they will all seem superfluous.. and because they all will be predictable, vain and hollow.
If you reach the highest mountain peak you ever dreamed of climbing, no other mountain will ever attract you again..
It's like a job, what's your dream job? what if you got the job offer of your dreams in the workplace of your imagination where there is no better job whatsoever, then let's say that particular company got bankrupted for example, will you ever be as passionate as you were toward any other job?

If you achieved 9, will you settle for 2? If you got gold, will you accept wood?
If you reached the highest of your desires and got all what you have ever dreamed of, will you settle for less??

That's the curse that keeps you from moving on, keeps you stuck..
That's what I call the highest mountain peak curse!~

WCG 2010 - Jordan National Finals

Update: WCG Update, StarCraft 2

I'm gonna play StarCraft. It's almost there and I feel the intense urge to win, I don't really know why.. maybe cz it's the first time I get involved in such an official championship, maybe it's the challenge spirit, I'm not really sure, but what I know for sure is that I really really wanna win, I got so excited about it that I even was the first subscriber and got ticket No 1 ! I impressed myself..

But I just keep getting frustrated each time I lose a match, doing those matches are basically like measuring my long-time-didn't-use skills in playing the game, which became really bad and noob.

But still I'm training and rehearsing real hard, I'm going forward in this and I must win, at least a match or two.

Wise? not really, but close..

I only do what I love doing,
and I do everything I love doing..

In my dreams

"In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real"
- Anathema